Scout has had a rough couple of days. I was prepared for this to an extent because babies are always a little different when their “norm” is thrown through a loop, but goodness gracious. She has been angry, grouchy, and defiant almost nonstop. Not to mention that nap times and bedtime have once again become clouds of dread that hang over me all day. She.screams.non.stop. I know there are a million opinions in the mommy-wars of crying it out vs. cradling them to sleep. I’m not adding fuel to the flame and I’m not seeking advice. I’m just tired. My back is so messed up from my last month of pregnancy (a 9lb 5oz baby does that to a 5’2″ woman) and she hasn’t stopped growing since. She was 27lbs by her first birthday…. I didn’t hit 20lbs until I was 2.5 years old. I had been attending Pilates since last fall, but have taken a two month hiatus and HOLY COW do I feel a difference. Need to get back ASAP.
ANYWHO. All that to say that rocking her to sleep is just not in the cards anymore.
She has also been screaming any time I say “no” or reroute her from her desired walking path. She screams if she is happy, sad, mad, glad, bad, etc. I’m so overwhelmed and a little baffled by this terrible-twos persona that seems to be taking place in my 1-year-old.
I know a big part of this is confusion. She hasn’t seen her dad in 11 days (the longest she has gone so far). I know we’re in the beginning stages, but it does make my heart hurt to see that she really is affected by him being gone at such a young age. I’m thankful that she won’t remember this season of life, but in the day-to-day it is hard for my mama’s heart. FaceTime is a little bittersweet and honestly becoming more of a burden. She doesn’t understand why she can talk but he isn’t actually around. Wah. Poor baby girl.
We’ve been in Costa Mesa with my aunt the last week and I couldn’t be more grateful for the mornings she swooped in and took Scout so that I could sleep in a little longer. Sleep is a weapon, am I right?! Bad sleep = bad days. Good sleep = feeling like a new person who can take on just about anything. She also let Scout hang out in her home office a couple of times so I could take a breather. Thank you Auntie Tikadar!! (Tikadar is not her real name. I couldn’t say “Auntie Dar” as a kid. Tikadar came and stuck for life)
We are now at my Godmother’s house in Oceanside and it’s so nice to see her and her family. We don’t see them often and today was their first time meeting Scout. Scout wasn’t in the greatest mood. Of course it makes me feel awful that she isn’t being her usual sweet sassy self but instead screamed her head off the entire time we were at lunch. They didn’t make me feel bad for a second which I appreciate beyond words.
Times like this are so hard but they’re good because it gives me perspective. Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, Scout is screaming her head off and I kind of want to die from embarrassment and (once again) exhaustion. BUT, she’s a good girl. I don’t want her to start associating me with impatience, exhaustion, or lack of tenderness. I want to respond with grace and patience even when I am so tired I could fall asleep standing up or burst into sobs. Kids can bring out the best or the worst in you. They really can. I know I’ll fail more times than I succeed but if at the end of the day Scout is still happy to see me walk into a room I’ll consider myself a pretty decent mom.
I love you baby girl. Thanks for still giving me goodnight kisses despite life being a little bit tough right now.